(Essay from My Ten Years in a Quandary, And How They Grew by Robert Benchley. © 1936 by Robert. C. Benchley)

Do You Make These Mistakes?

A great many people use faulty English without knowing it.  Ain’t you?

How many times, for instance, have you wanted to use the word “eleemosynary” and haven’t been able to do so without laughing?  So you have used “whom” instead, thinking that it means the same thing.  Well, it don’t — doesn’t.

Probably one of the most prolific causes of mistakes in spoken English is the use of intoxicating liquors.  “Impftubbibble” is not good English, and you know it.  Neither is “washerti’?”  And yet you hear educated people say these words in the best circles, and think nothing of it.  It is merely a slovenly way of speaking, induced by an even more slovenly way of drinking.

*****

The English language is derived from the Latin, Greek, French, Saxon, Spanish and Yiddish.  That is why English is such a difficult language for foreigners to learn.  Arabs and Turks are completely at sea with it.

But there is no reason why you should be at sea.  All that is needed is a few hours’ practice every day, being careful not to bend the knees.  Just keep saying to yourself, over and over again, “I shall speak good English!”  Before long, you will find yourself saying:  “I will speak good English!” or possibly just:  “The hell with it!”

Try taking a pencil and jotting down the number of times during the day that you find yourself making the following common mistakes in everyday English:

I didn’t ought to have went.

Whom am I? (for where am I?)

Sure, I’ll sign!  What is it?

My private telephone number is Bogardus 9-476.  (This is a very common mistake.)

{Blogger’s note:  line deleted.  Go online to see the original gag Benchley used, and you will see why I felt the need to censor it.  While it may have been funny in 1936, it’s just offensive in 2018.  I’m no fan of censorship, but I prefer to err on the side of caution.}

Id vork geleddi ompta id imny.  (The worst English imaginable.)

You may think that these little slips, and others like them, do not matter in ordinary conversation.  “I make myself understood, don’t I?,” you may say.  Ah, but do you?

*****

Napoleon failed to take Moscow until it was amass of ruins because he said:  “Take your time, Joe!” instead of “Hurry up, Joe!” to the man who had charge of the army.  Just the difference of three little words.

A man in Colorado was hanged for murder because in a written statement he said, “I did it,” instead of “I didn’t do it.”  If he had known the most elementary rudiments of English he wouldn’t have made such a monkey of himself.

If I had known the most elementary rudiments of English I wouldn’t have written “the most elementary rudiments.”  So you see?